Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has unveiled the latest of his off-season acquisitions: a seven-figure luxury bus that the team can travel in during the season. It will be making its first drive to Jake’s Hamburgers today before it makes the trip up to the NFL Scouting Combine in Indianapolis.
“We’re really thrilled with the new bus,” says Jerry Jones, “It has stars and televisions everywhere. I forget which object is our team’s logo at this point, but it’s all very exciting!”
The bus has been nicknamed “The Elegant Lady.” However, since the Cowboys haven’t made the playoffs in the last three years, local fans are calling it “The Stay-At-Home Wife.”
“It has everything I… and the team needs,” says Jones, “this bus will get us to the Super Bowl, whether we’re actually in it or not.” The bus also comes equipped with a command center for Jones, who will be calling plays from the bus when the Cowboys are on the road.
Although Jones was pleased with the press buzzing around his new bus this morning, things did get a little awkward during the grand unveiling. Tony Romo was seen throwing two passes outside the back of the bus.
One pass was intercepted and returned for a touchdown by practice squad safety Brandon Underwood. The other throw was landed under the intended receiver and got stuck somewhere underneath the bus.
“It was just a tough throw I decided I had to toss,” said Romo, “I thought the ball was going to make it, I really did.” Romo then ate a complimentary danish that was provided at the event and headed for the locker room.
Dez Bryant was less than pleased with Romo’s performance — “Seriously… ANOTHER DAMN FOOTBALL?! We lose so many footballs because of Tony, we’re keeping Dick’s Sporting Goods in business!”
No comment was made as to what the team will order when they make the stop at Jake’s Hamburgers. Paramedics will be following the new luxury bus in case Tony Romo chokes on his lunch today.