Sunday February 24th marked the 85th Annual Red Carpet Celebrity Show in Hollywood, California, during which celebrities from across the country gather every year to have their clothing and personalities judged and answer ego-stroking questions.
Fans and casual spectators crowded anxiously around the red carpet waiting for their chance to find something to mention at the water cooler on Monday. Event personnel kept the fans at bay as the various reporters paced the red carpet waiting for the celebrities to be released. “I’m going to ask who they’re wearing. Yeah, yeah, no one else will ask them that; it’s totally original, right?” one reporter nervously responded, barely able to contain her excitement. Another reporter wondered out loud what breeds of celebrity would be present this year. “I just really hope there’s a good variety this time. It seems that most years the young, hot female celebrity is the most popular breed; it’d be nice to have a change of pace, but ultimately that comes down to the fashion police and event planners.”
There were some changes this year, however, as security was tightened from last year. Event personnel were on the lookout for any fans trying to feed the celebrities, as many are on strict alcohol and drug diets. Normal food – or any food at all – might bring their striking and not at all bony- or alien-like, thin physiques into “normal human range” — a category frowned upon by the most serious red carpet goers. “Physically, we look for celebrities that are either frail or wispy on one end of the spectrum, or ‘bootylicious’ on the other end of the spectrum. Mentally, we prefer celebrities to be emotionally scarred or socially troubled or eccentric. These are the ones fans connect with most because they think the celebrities are real people like them, it’s so cute,” one of the elite fashion police explained. When asked about more natural celebrities she replied, “The more full bodied ones, or mentally stable, down to earth ones are not really show circuit celebrities. They are generally considered to be a lower breed of celebrity. Nobody likes a real person.”
And yet, some down to earth fans had differing opinions. “I really enjoyed Django Unchained and Les Miserables this year, there were so many great films up for best picture. Bradley Cooper had one of the best performances in Silver Linings Playbook. It was just a great year for movies all around.” However, most of those near this “fan,” were visibly distraught and annoyed with his disparaging statements. Another fan had this to say, “We’re here to see how these people look and walk and answer questions that don’t matter. Some people are so ignorant, they only care about the artistic value and meanings of movies. This is real life, guys, where phony people with fake tans and boobs and teeth gather to judge one another…that’s how these things work, that’s what life is about. We’re not here to honor an ‘art form’ and the creativity and artistic stuff of movies…and things like that. Hashtag: OMG, hashtag: get a life.”
All major media outlets were on hand to cover the event which lasted three and half hours. The 85th Annual Red Carpet Celebrity Show was a great success despite competition from a small upstart awards ceremony being held in the venue directly attached to the red carpet. The small awards show luckily received some press because of its proximity to the much more popular Red Carpet Celebrity Show. Heavy security was not enough, however, to stop some celebrities sneaking away from the red carpet and into the awards event next door. All was settled when the celebrities’ handlers were able to corral them back to the red carpet later that night for more interviews and judgement. The fans, celebrities and media left the Red Carpet Celebrity Show full of excitement and anticipation for next years’ event. One leaving fan shouted, “I can’t wait for next year to hear and see all the judgement and subtle jealousy. Wooh! Go Red Carpet!” Since the Red Carpet Celebrity Show is just a showcase event, no celebrities were awarded prizes.